Courage
by Nr.Six
Summary: Carol finally confronts Tony about his feelings for her, after all these years of tension between them! Spoilers for the tvshow and books.


**Hi everyone! This is my first fic for Wire in the Blood: spoilers for some of the tvshow scenes and Tony's ex from the books! Ugh I just can't stand the tension between them and that they haven't done anything with that in the tvshow: what a lame ending for Carol to just leave like that!**

**I just had to write this story. Hope you like it! please let me know what you thought!**

**Courage**

Tony was standing very close to her.

Again.

She'd feel it deep on the inside of her body, it would sent tingles up her spine, her breathing would hitch and she'd try not to blush. She thought she succeeded in that: she had had enough training throughout the years of him invading her space.

Carol could smell his soap, and something masculine that smelled like the man Tony was. She could feel the warmth radiating from his body. She was up with her back against the wall while he was standing almost flush against her if it wasn't for the small space that he left between their bodies. His right arm was outstretched to the blackboard next to her ear on which he was writing feverishly.

Carol had her face turned away from his. She was looking at his hand that seemed to write and write while the words came flooding out of his mouth at the same time. His breath was warm against her cheek, but his words ended up somewhere in the back of her mind where they made no sense to her anymore. This was due to the fact that her other senses had taken over and they were again, -as so many times before-, on high alert.

It was a late Friday evening, and they had closed another awful murder. She was tired and Tony was still debating over something they had had an argument over earlier. There wasn't anyone around anymore in the office this late, except them. Paula and Kevin had gone home hours ago. Carol longed to go home too, to a hot bath, to Nelson, to a glass of delicious wine. She longed to stretch the sore muscles in her neck and back, she longed to relax and envelop herself in comforting warmth.

Her eyes left the study of his big hand as she dared to turn her face towards him, their noses inches apart now. His eyes were on the board, not on her, but he had to notice that she wasn't looking at what he was writing anymore.

Her eyes went to his lips and she opened her own slightly.

"So," She said softly. "How long will we keep doing this?"

Tony rambled on and then, after a few seconds, stopped amazed as his blue eyes finally dragged away from the white board. "What? Did you say something Carol?" He asked confused as a cringe appeared between his brows.

"Yes." She smiled softly, wrinkles appearing in her cheeks. _She was tired._ "I did."

"O…" He said flabbergasted as his hand left the board and he stared at her.

"You didn't hear me?" She asked in a sweet, inquiring voice. She had the feeling that he had heard her but just chose not to, to buy himself some time.

Tony narrowed his eyes at her slowly, he knew that tone of hers. _It usually meant she wanted something, something personal. _

"No. What was it you said?" He said ever so polite as he braced himself from the inside.

_Tony, always so polite_, Carol thought slightly irritated. She sighed as she studied his face shortly.

'Why do you stand so close to me Tony?' She asked instead of repeating her earlier question. The answer to this one would satisfy her curiosity just as much as the other question would have. At least, that is IF he would answer her, and IF they wouldn't be interrupted like they usually were in one way or the other.

Carol noticed how Tony visibly swallowed, then looked down at her upper body, then at his own, to his feet and then up to her face. He shrugged sullenly,

"Didn't notice." He mumbled in an uninterested tone as he took a step back and wanted to turn away from her.

Before he could she took a step towards him, invading his space this time.

"Really?" Carol asked in a harder tone as she smirked.

Tony looked up at her face, his blue eyes stood confused and heavily guarded.

'Tell me Tony, you're a psychologist…' She gestured between them. 'What does this mean?'

'What do you mean Carol?' He asked in a high surprised voice.

Her green eyes studied his as if she wanted to know whether he was fooling around with her or not. Pretending to not know what she was talking about.

'I mean us Tony, us.' She said as she took a smaller step towards him. 'You must know how nervous it makes me when you stand so close.' She whispered honestly.

Tony felt her warm breath tickle his cheek and all alarm bells went off in his head.

'I had no idea.' He lied in that same high voice as he looked her in the eye to show her he really didn't.

Her eyes went to his throat where she noticed the bobbing of his Adams apple when he swallowed heavily.

'Are you nervous now Tony?' She asked as she dragged her eyes away from his throat towards his eyes.

Tony swallowed again, it was like his throat was getting dryer by the second. 'Yes.' He admitted, she would see it anyway. _He felt trapped. Trapped by Carol Jordan._

Carol's brows rose slightly. 'Why?' Her green gaze seemed to pin him to the ground. He did not dare move at all, although his whole body was screaming to run! RUN as far as he could from this woman! RUN and never stop!

Tony managed to snap himself out of it, he managed to move his muscles finally and turned away from her. 'Carol, we've got work to do.' He quickly deflected as the pile of paperwork on the desk suddenly became VERY interesting to him. He heard her sigh hard behind him. It sounded like a disappointed sigh. A deeply disappointed sigh.

'Whatever.' She mumbled in a snappy, hard tone as he heard her move.

When Tony finally looked up it was just in time to see her entering her own office. She threw the door shut in an angry huff as she marched towards her desk.

Tony's mouth hung open slightly and again he found himself frozen in his place as his heart fell. _Carol. The woman of his life. And still he could not move or do anything. Not even when she was that close. When SHE had chosen to stand that close to him. How could he ever show…. How could he ever let her know….? _He dragged his gaze away from her angry profile and stared at his hand on the stack of papers on the desk. _Years, it had been years now. He had seen her date other men, he had seen her with men and he knew that she had slept with them. It had eaten him up alive. There had been periods_ _that he hadn't seen her. His ex girlfriend Francis had broken up with him in anger because she thought he was in love with Carol Jordan. And still Tony Hill could not move and do something about that. _

_Did he not want there to happen anything between them? Carol knew him. She almost knew every dark secret he ever had, she had seen so many things he was ashamed off and he hadn't scared her off. But didn't she deserve a better man then him?_ Tony straightened himself as he looked at her form again. _He didn't want to be without her. He couldn't bare the thought of her not being around him. But wouldn't that happen some day, some day when some man would finally walk up to her and 'woo' her how she called it? "You woo us, you marry us and then you forget us." She'd once said. But he'd never forget her. EVER._

The thought of finally losing her made his legs suddenly move.

Carol put a file in her cupboard as she turned around deep in thought. A shock went through her when Tony was suddenly standing in front of her. 'Tony!' She snapped heatedly. 'I told you not to sneak up on me like that!' She warned harshly as she noticed that her office door was open again. _How did he come through her door without her hearing it?_ She walked back to her desk.

'It's to be close to you.' He said and she stopped in her tracks.

Carol turned around and there was confusion and irritation written over her whole face.

'What? What are you talking about?' She asked confused.

'You're earlier question?' Tony reminded her insecurely as he stuffed his hands in his pockets and swallowed again. _Ow, how he liked to disappear into the ground right now_.

_Why he stands so close to me is to be close to me?_ Carol pondered in her head.

'Thanks for that clarifying answer, I couldn't have come up with that myself.' She snapped as she sat down on her chair again and focused on her screen.

Tony took his hands out of his pockets as he took a small step towards the desk. 'Because that's all I can get.' He admitted softly.

That made Carol look up. Her green gaze was unreadable to him at the moment.

'Well, you wanted to know.' Tony said quickly as he put his hands back in his pocket's. _God, he felt nervous. And awful. _He looked away from her, imagined that this situation wasn't real. He shrugged absentmindedly. 'Is that so awful? I just want to be near you.' He stared at his shoes that were suddenly very interesting.

'What do you mean with that's all I can get?' He heard Carol ask in a confronting tone.

_That tone that he knew of her: she wasn't going to let go of this very soon_. He looked at his watch.

'Tony!' Carol warned in reaction as she saw him study his watch. She knew exactly that he'd like to make a run for it again. He heard her stand up.

'Talk to me. You know me.' Her sweet and worried voice drifted easily through his barriers.

Tony's throat felt so dry now that he had the idea that the desert was in there and that his voice had left him and had travelled somewhere else, to another person maybe.

'Just spit it out already.' Carol pushed impatiently.

Tony loved the temper she had, how it could flare up against criminals, how strong she could be and how self secure she could look. How she showed it when she didn't like something: how honest she was.

But he didn't like it at this exact moment. He looked up at her and suddenly found courage from somewhere, he didn't know where it came from, but he was glad it had arrived.

'Why? I think you already know.' He said in his clinical voice as if he was talking to a patient. He was turning the tables and by the reaction on her face, she didn't like it at all.

Carol crossed her arms in front of her chest as she narrowed her green eyes at him.

'Is this all a game to you? Are we playing a game Tony?' She asked and he could hear the hurt in her voice.

'No.' Tony said quickly. 'No, it's not a game Carol.' He told her in all honesty as he put his hands up in a gesture towards her to calm her. 'I-' He looked away and shrugged sadly as he walked towards her table and stared at a trinket of a duckling there. 'I just don't know-' _He couldn't find the words. He felt like a little boy again_. 'I don't know what to do… Or say.' He finally brought out as he felt his cheeks flush heatedly.

'Why not?' She asked as she stepped towards him. 'We know each other so well now and-'

'-And that's exactly it, can't you see that?' Tony interrupted her heatedly as he looked up at her fiercely.

It made Carol look away quickly. _Yes, she could see that. And she knew it too, she did the same in a way: it was so much easier for her to sleep with other men and to discard them afterwards, to not let it mean anything more, to not let them close. _

'It's what you do too isn't it?' Tony asked knowingly in a confronting tone.

And somehow Carol felt attacked by his question. As if she should feel guilty about her earlier actions.

'You rejected me.' She suddenly shot at him. _She didn't know where it came from, it was like her voice had suddenly taken over control of her brain._

Tony almost took a step back in slight shock as his blue gaze stared confused at her. 'That's not true.' He defended himself lamely as he remembered what she was talking about: the first case they had worked on.

_He had invited her in late in the evening and she had heard the voicemail on his phone from the woman he had phone sex with at that time. She'd taken to the wrong conclusions and had left. He had pushed her away later, because of his problems. But it hadn't gone like she had just stated it. Not at all. _

'And you know it. Why do you say that Carol?' He walked in on her. Suddenly a flash of an earlier conversation came up in his mind; They had talked about submissiveness and dominance in relationships and she had asked which had been present in theirs. He had answered both, and now he could feel it so clearly how they switched roles so easily. Now she was the submissive one, but he knew that would only take seconds before she'd become the dominant one again.

'You know that I am impotent Carol.' Tony blurted out, not beating around the bush. _They were adults after all, and she had known from the start because he had told her. Although he'd only told her because she had listened to all the phone sex tapes, and he just needed to explain. Needed her to see that he wasn't some creep, or maybe he was.._

'Are you? You didn't seem to be with Frances.' Carol snapped. She suddenly felt green with jealousy, it was like a poison that spread through her whole body.

Her reaction felt like a slap in his face.

She noticed his reaction and instantly felt the need to explain herself. 'I thought… I thought the break between us had done us good and I-' _She_ _was being mean, she had no right to say or imply any of this to him_. Carol swallowed her words bitterly. _I have no right._

'What?' Tony prodded.

Carol swallowed as she looked up at him angrily. 'I thought that maybe, there would have been…' _A chance for us_… 'But you already fulfilled your needs so clearly-' Again she stopped herself as she put the palms of her hands against her forehead in frustration. _What was she doing? She was throwing things at him that weren't honest._

'You were jealous?' Tony asked in an incredulous tone as he felt his heart swell with hope he almost didn't dare feel.

'Of course not!' She snapped in that Carol way ever too quickly and they both realized that instantly.

'You don't have to be ashamed if you-' Tony began sweetly in his clinical voice again.

'-O stop the crap Tony!' Carol suddenly shouted as she rubbed her face. 'I'm sick of this. All of this.' She began to pace as she gestured around her. 'How long do we know each other now? Five years? Six? Seven even?'

'Seven and three months to be exact.' He filled in slowly.

Carol shook her head in irritation. 'Doesn't it get to you? Us? Does it do nothing to you Tony? Is it just me? Because it's killing me!'

_It did get to him. _

"I- god I can't believe that I'm going to say this but I want you to kiss me!" She blurted out in all honesty. "I've wanted that for so long. But instead you tease me, take my breath away by standing in my space, MY SPACE TONY." She snapped angrily at him as if her physical reactions to him were his fault. "I want this to stop! Either you want me or you don't want me, either way, I want this tension between us, -or whatever it is-, gone!"

Carol walked towards her chair frustrated. 'Why does every BLOODY thing have to be so BLOODY complicated all the time!'

"Carol… I do like you, it's just…" Tony began.

She looked up at him, dreading the rest of his words. _This was the brush off_. She waited but the words didn't come. It was like he had frozen in place again.

Once again Carol's impatience took over as she dragged her coat angrily away from her chair. "What?" She snapped angrily. "I'm too needy? Too moody? Married to my work? Too tall? Too difficult? It's okay, I can take rejection, god knows I've been through enough, that gives a woman experience." She stated bitterly.

"You're lovely." Tony said lamely.

Carol froze as she stared at his mouth. _Had he really said lovely? And what did that mean?_

"Lovely?" She repeated as her eyebrow arched sarcastically. She grabbed her bag and Tony realized she didn't understand what he meant.

"Everything about you is lovely." He quickly said.

Carol looked up at him confused. "Everything?" She repeated in an astonished tone. "Even my temper?"

"Well…. That's… Uhm…" He stammered.

She raised her eyebrow again as she waited for his response.

"Yes." He shrugged. "It's what makes you you."

She sighed inwardly, _maybe she should make it easy for him._

"But you want to stay friends because lovely isn't hot, tempting or whatever word you could say, just say it Tony so I can go to Nelson and my hot bath and my glass of wine because it's getting late." She said as she looked at her watch. If she was going to be rejected then better quick with it, the quicker she could face her pain when she was alone.

"Frances, she was-" Tony began and he received the vilest glare he had ever seen on Carol's face, and he sure had seen many varieties on that one. He swallowed quickly. 'Just let me finish.' He scolded her.

Carol had to brace herself. _Frances, what about her? Carol really didn't need to be compared to the woman who *did* make it into his arms so easily! Had Frances been hot and tempting? Probably yes, otherwise that wouldn't have been the woman that had ended up in his bed._

'She was everything I wanted.' Tony explained.

Carol's nostrils flared. She felt how a wave of hurt began to spread through her chest. She hated that feeling and didn't want it.

'She was a very attractive woman and-'

'-This isn't helping Tony.' Carol warned him.

'But she wasn't you. She isn't you. You're-' He stopped as if he was searching for the words to describe her. 'You're impossible. I don't get you sometimes, you can irritate me to no ends, you can see right through me, you saw my most awful sides, you know my goofy weird socially inept sides and still… Still I didn't scare you off. You do something with me or to me, to my insides. And as for the being hot and tempting as you call it… Yes Carol. I've had many a nights that I thought of you, thought of what I wanted to do to you, thought of what I wanted to do with you. But I can't. And you know it. I'm afraid, I'm afraid it'll ruin what we have.' He said in all honesty.

He had taken her breath away with his words. Her eyes had softened. The fact that he had been so open to her softened her heart, he showed her his vulnerable side.

'So am I.' She admitted as she looked away shortly. 'But you know what? I've tried for so many years to push my feelings away, to stop my physical reactions to you but it doesn't work. I can't. I don't manage. So I'm going to try it from a different angle now. And maybe you should too.'

He looked away instantly.

Carol walked towards him slowly. 'Tony-' She said softly. 'What are you afraid of I will do?' She asked as a look of worry spread over her face.

He swallowed as he thought of all the woman who had hurt him, who had humiliated him or had laughed at him.

'I don't care that you're impotent.' He heard her say as he suddenly felt the warmth and softness of her hand against his cheek. 'I just want to touch you and feel your skin against me. If that's all I can have with you… Then that's fine.'

'But it isn't, is it?' He suddenly said fiercely as his eyes finally met hers. 'It's not for nothing you have one night stands. It's because you want sex, you like sex, you need it.'

Carol sighed annoyed. 'Just let me be the judge of what I want and need and you be the judge of what you want or need okay?' She proposed sternly. Her hand left his cheek and he immediately missed her warmth. 'I'm going home, I know you need time or space, whatever you want.' She scanned her desk for her keys now as a frown developed between her brows. 'I'm just too tired and feel too drained to talk anymore about this.' She bended forwards to grab her keys. 'And you know Tony, I've tried to help you and you tried to help me so many times, I think we can get through your bed problem too, and if we can't, so be it.' She said as she shrugged and straightened herself. _She had already accepted that she'd probably not have children very soon or in the near future. Maybe never._

When she turned back towards him he was standing so close that she had to arch her back backwards to stop her nose from colliding with his. She noticed how he looked at her lips and she gasped involuntarily.

'I won't bite, you know.' She softly said after a moment as her green eyes looked warmly in his blue ones.

'I'll disappoint you.' He stated softly.

'No, I can't imagine that.' She said as she looked at his lips again. 'And if you would, it wouldn't matter. I know that you're a quick learner.' She teased to make the situation lighter as she smirked.

He loved the wrinkles and lines in her face that appeared. His finger touched the line that ran from her nose towards her mouth.

'And maybe I'll disappoint you.' She said ever so softly.

That was enough to bring his blue gaze op to hers again. His finger brushed her lip slowly and he slowly, as if it was in slow motion moved towards her to close the small gap between them.

Carol sighed happily when she finally felt his soft, warm lips press against hers carefully. A shudder ran through her as she put her hand in his hair, she wanted to urge him to come even closer, to deepen the kiss, she wanted to make the kiss passionate, but she didn't want to scare him off. She decided to let him take the lead. A moan escaped her lips when he suddenly pushed his body flush against hers, pinning her further against her desk as he began to kiss her passionately. She answered the heated kiss and tried to pour all the frustration she had felt from the last years into it. When he finally let go of her lips they both had ragged breaths and had to breathe hard for air. Carol bit her lower lip as she tried to calm the emotions that overwhelmed her on the inside.

'I want to know all that you like.' He whispered between breaths as his blue gaze stared intensely in her eyes.

'Let's start with sharing my bath.' She proposed out of breath as she grabbed his shirt to pull him in for a new, long, blazing hot kiss.

00000

Okay, maybe a fluffy ending but I think they deserve that after everything they've been through! Please REVIEW REVIEW that'll really make me happy!

Thanks!

9


End file.
